I posted on social media about boundaries this past weekend. I wanted to get this in a blog with some links to great books I’ve discovered through my career in wildland fire as well as throughout my life’s work in bettering myself and my communities. Photos of these books are linked–just click on the photo and it’ll direct you to where you can purchase them 🙂
Boundaries are so important! Boundaries can be defined physically such as property lines, country borders, geographic lines of cliffs and oceans. It can be defined as an arbitrary limit such as political boundaries, or demographic boundaries. In wild land fire, we describe boundaries as perimeters–fire lines, properties, jurisdictions, etc. However, intrapersonal boundaries are never a clear, or constantly defined bulls eye. Our personal boundaries shift as we shift and change with our experiences in our dynamic, external world.
Take, for example, a child. They are navigating a natural world without social boundaries, and they have not experienced enough to understand their personal boundaries nor understand others. Through play and imagination, children learn about themselves and the external world they are interacting and reacting from within. As adults, our obligation is to explain boundaries to them–in a way they understand and are able to articulate it to their peers. As adults, it is our utmost obligation to understand our own boundaries and interactions with the external world. This is the most rudimentary step towards being our best selves! Click the picture below to read more on the conscious and subconscious..
Nedra Glover Tawwab (2022) defines boundaries as a set of intrapersonal needs in the human experience. How we interact with the external world is a conscious and subconscious process. The conscious is an awareness–sensory processing and rationalizing reality. The subconscious is made up of biological and intuitive processes that influences reaction to the conscious intake of information. Emotions, thoughts, feelings are all derived and influenced by the subconscious. When we are not disciplined with our impulsiveness, it can lead to some fairly irrational outcomes–this is being led from mostly the subconscious. Think of an example in your life. My best example is the irrational need to immediately laugh or cry when I am overwhelmed with emotion.
Nedra considers many types of boundaries we hold. I also see a lot of overlap within each of the boundaries she describes. I think we can all find many examples of our personal boundaries with possessions, property, interpersonal physical limits, intellectual topics and conversations, as well as emotional needs and expectations. Sexual boundary was one that made me pause to establish my sexual boundary with acute mindfulness. This one can be highly triggering and sensitive to people depending on body image, history of physical boundaries being violated or other experiences and traumas. It’s also a highly volatile subject in our society! The time boundary was by far the hardest boundary for me to extrapolate for my personal boundaries.
Boundaries start from the inside-out! I had this co-worker, whom I thought was a friend. She was very sweet and generous….to a degree as I found out. She overcame a rare type of cancer that left her with the inability to have children. For the one-two years I was friends with her, I always encouraged her that there was nothing wrong with adoption. It wasn’t until a late, tipsy evening sitting at my dining table she finally replied, “It really makes me want to punch you when you say that! I can’t adopt because if it comes back and I die, I will be leaving a child behind!” Whoa! Okay, where was that conversation the first time I suggested it? We obviously don’t know every boundary we have, but when something stings or doesn’t sit right–have a conversation about it! Sit with yourself for some time to understand where and why that came up. Reflect on the basis of your whole being: your values, beliefs, experiences. Only then can we authentically understand our roles in this world.
No, she’s no longer a friend. I wish her well. She did this a few more times. I’m a 1000% believer of the 3 strikes rule (3 very valid strikes). I’ll listen if they’re willing admit their wrongdoing and help me understand the boundaries within our friendship. She was clueless. No. I didn’t waste my time explaining it either. I also believe putting time and energy where it’s most meaningful–I’m not going to continue to unintentionally be villain in someone else’s story.
Here’s catch 22. Your boundaries do not mean that you are right, and the person(s) you are disagreeing with are wrong! It’s all too common in today’s society to point the finger and play a victim of discrimination or deceit because we have lost the capacity for differences. We’ve lost our our ability to communicate, compassionately. The lack of community in our technological era has creates a disconnect in humanity; and we blame it on our differences! Covid amplified our segregation, it didn’t cause it! Getting back to the “we;” the community is a part of the inside-out job! We need to stop pointing fingers. This isn’t revenge, this is revolution and we need to revolutionize how we come together as a community with differences. Having conflictive communication with humanity–empathy. We do not have to agree with each other, but we can be open to accepting people for how they show up.
If you made it to here, I have homework I ask from you. Journal, meditate, visualize, or simply take a minute or two after finishing this article and reflect on conversations or situations where you felt off afterwards–or you felt you were wronged or violated in some way. Why? Pinpoint the disconnect and then visualize what you could have said or done to honor your reaction and still give kindness to the other person.
Stay safe and be well, friends. xo